My blogging has fallen by the wayside recently. Moving house, having 2 houses for a month to manage and making the new home look presentable and to my high standards takes a lot of attention and energy. It feels like life is continually kicking us in our proverbials with no glimpse of a reprise in sight.
Maybe it’s how we view life, our expectation. I have been hoping for a time of peace. Does that really exist? That is what I have been pondering over recently. Have I ever had periods of time when everything was what I ‘deemed’ to be ok. Is this just a fantasy that exists between my rose tinted glasses, those glasses are gradually slipping or maybe I am just being more realistic about life and its purpose being human survival. My longing for this period of time where everything is rosy is pure fantasy, life is a struggle, it is meant to be hard. Our survival instinct and steely resolve are what keeps us alive. We must appreciate the little things in between, the glimpses of happiness that keep us from the brink of despair. This is what happiness look like, it is a moment, a look, a gesture, a smile, it is not about ongoing continuity, it does not matter how long it lasts. What matters is the fact we are able to retain this feeling and let it carry us through till the next obstacle in our way obscures it. We have these moments of joy, we should appreciate them more especially when some people even lose their ability to feel anything at all. I am trying to remember to feel grateful for these moments now.
My head has recently felt like an ocean where I am trapped, swimming round and round in circles with constant waves crashing over me. I have not had the release of writing which helps keep my thoughts from consuming me. Every day seems to bring a new problem for us to face, which means a new strength to obtain. We then get engulfed in a massive tsunami rather than just the waves crashing which makes you realise that most of your worries are completely and utterly insignificant in the bigger picture. Why do I care so much for things that are so meaningless? Why do I seek to gain control over things which are impossible? I think having my own control over things makes me feel more comfortable and has become a necessity for me. Having so little control over my life in childhood and having to live with other people’s consequences which inadvertently caused direct detriment to my life has shaped me to be who I am today, the person who has to control everything. This control over every situation is not always attainable and in this new frame of light shed upon me, control does not make everything ok in the end.
This week has shown me that I can’t control everything. The part of my personality that needs to know everything has been extinguished slightly. I have not wanted to know all the answers. I do not wish to seek all the information out. This situation I cannot control, sometimes we have to allow life to take us by the hand and show us the way, take a step back and observe and move slowly, a day at a time. We do not need to travel at the speed of light into the future, that will not help and certainly not change anything. I accept I cannot know all the answers, some things do not have predictability. My most powerful antidotes are hope, love and faith. Faith in life and faith in ourselves and our bodies, spirits and our minds. Faith that though life brings us many hurdles we must acknowledge that it also brings us many joys and they are what we remember. The trials and tribulations do not define who we are, we are in control of that and we are free to be who we want to be. That is a powerful position readily available to us all.
Through this great adversity, I am not focusing on the injustice of it all, that would be the easy option and the most toxic path to follow. I feel blessed for the love that I have found in my life and nothing can take that away. That remains the same driving force and what I believe will always carry us forward no matter what the circumstance. Life throws us many things, some make us stumble, we can choose to fall or we can choose to rise up and channel the immense power that we all uphold inside ourselves, strength that we are not even aware of. Adversity brings change and contemplation which allows us to grow. We must believe in ourselves, our bodies and minds and spirits and believe in the love we have in our hearts, love is the cure that we all need, the remedy, the meaning of life, without love we are nothing and without ‘my love’ I am nothing. Love conquers all….