On the road again

When anxiety plagues your life you find yourself in a constant fight or flight battle, this not only affects your body and mind but also your life philosophy and future plans. You are torn between being so afraid of change, which makes you cling to anything familiar, yet you have that unrelenting need to keep moving in case the enemy ie yourself catches up with you. This can prove difficult in moving your life forward as you are either trapped by fear in a stagnant situation or the fear of permanence is repeatedly ringing through your ears obstructing you from putting down any roots.

We found ourselves having to sell the apartment we had lived in for 10 years due to being tied in a shared equity deal.  We could have bought out the remaining share but as the place was so small it would not have provided the future progression we required.  The easier option would have been to stay where was comfortable and safe, any anxiety sufferer will have that place that they retreat to where the rest of the world can be closed off.  That apartment was my haven but it also bred a lot of negative associations, my illness had been born there, it had flourished and grown over the years and I had faced many dark days there alone with my negative thoughts. I had spent periods of time bound to those walls, frozen by fear and powerless to my anxious state.

Not only did we have to deal with moving home but we also changed area, we moved from a big town to a small village. This is a huge upheaval for someone whose life consists of the same patterns every day. It was no easy feat to find somewhere. I spend most of my time at home so it was imperative I found somewhere I felt comfortable with, if that was even a possibility in my anxious state of mind. We did find such a place and we made the move. Those first few months were fraught, I was more unsettled than words could profess. My constant adrenaline fuelled body would not let me be happy.  I could not sleep and I was suffering from numerous physical symptoms brought on by the extreme anxiety that I could not shake off. My husband took time off work and slowly built me back up, he nurtured me and tried to understand my difficulties.  He did not push me to be settled and normal, he was patient and trusted me that I would find my way again. He did not doubt me.  I tried many therapies including medication and I spent a lot of time working on making myself well. My husband returned to work and I was able to resume some semblance of normality again.

I found happiness again and I found joy within these walls.  We shared lots of special family times together. We learned a lot and grew our own food, we grew as individuals and grew together as one. I felt safe and settled and found sanctuary in my garden and the outdoors again, this house saved me or maybe it gave me the strength to save myself.  There have been no negatives to this home.  It has been a happy place and I was able to find my oasis somewhere else. I found myself again after many years of being lost to my anxiety. Life was good and then just as you get settled life throws you a curveball…

We have been renting this home to offer a level of flexibility in our lives, it has suited us. We were stuck with trying to sell our house and it had made us feel trapped. We have loved living here, enjoying the lifestyle without having the pressures a huge mortgage brings.  It has given us the time to enjoy life, utilising our time doing what we love and not being bound down by all that owning a home brings. We had just had our second Christmas here which was one of the best and we had planned a relaxing week spending lots of time together when we were informed that the house was being sold, our home was disappearing before our very eyes. The old me would have buckled with fear at this prospect of another huge life change.  The new me is much more open to adventure. We have found somewhere else which is in the same village, it is a beautiful farmhouse with lots of outdoor space for the children to learn and thrive. It is a new chapter in our story, a new beginning for me to start free from my anxious past. Everything happens for a reason I truly believe that. I feel so more equipped and ready for life as the change enabled me to deal with new situations, it may have been in my own way but I still got through it and was able to move forward in a way I was unsure I would have been able to do again.

I have started to contemplate permanence again, a show of the vast improvement my body and mind has made. I love the country and the peace and tranquillity it brings.  I have friends nearby that mean my isolation is no more, my friendships are blossoming and I can show who I really am underneath, no more a need for pretence. I am happy and in a good place and ready to move on as I realise the walls are not what makes a home, it is who we are inside and what we bring, the memories we make and the love we share. We are a home always in our hearts, we can live anywhere as long as we have each other and I have learned change is not a bad thing, do not be afraid of it, change can bring so much more to our lives, we do not need to fear it just embrace it….

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