I started my blog less than 5 months ago. I was no blog expert, I had read a few but had no clear vision of what it was that I wanted to achieve. I had thought about it for a long time previous to actually taking the plunge and though it seemed like a nice idea, a cool thing to do, I knew nothing of the practicalities of hosting one. I am a technophobe so that was definitely a factor, without my husband’s help I would never have even managed to get past a domain name! I am eternally grateful for all the help and support he never fails to give to me and is always willing to get involved in any new project that I embark on with great enthusiasm. I had major concerns about anonymity. I am a deeply private person who does not find sharing myself an easy prospect but it goes deeper than that for me, I have purposefully kept myself out of social media to protect myself and my family from repercussions of my turbulent past and ties with negative people that would have a catastrophic impact on my health and my life. I have worked so hard to get to this point that I was not willing to risk revisiting these past events or traumas again.
I wanted to write something from the heart that was unfiltered and was a true representation of who I am as a person. I am a deeply emotional person so it was a given my writing would reflect this aspect of my personality, not everyone is like this and a vast majority of people prefer much lighter reading material. I never set out to necessarily write this blog for anyone other than for me, I saw it as a way of healing especially as I had suffered a lifetime of repressed emotions and in recent years it concerned me how difficult I had found it to connect with people as I was living mostly in my head, a side effect of the chronic anxiety I was battling. I had endured a lot of pain and trauma losing my parents that had inadvertently turned me inwards, afraid of connecting in case I would have to talk about these deep rooted issues, it was easier to retreat within and battle myself a little more.
I was very proud the day I set my blog up and ridiculously naive to the minefield that the blogging world is. I got sucked into the whirlwind of trying to be the best blogger there ever was. It is a fiercely competitive market. I lived and breathed link ups at the beginning, put myself under undue pressure to try and write material constantly which is no mean feat when you are averaging 1300 highly emotive deep felt words that come from your soul and are not extracted easily! It stressed me out massively and being a bit of a perfectionist and a hard taskmaster to myself, my life was far from pleasant. I started to resent it and it felt more like a job rather than the release I had envisioned it to be. I realise now that this was all a part of my blogging journey, one I do not regret as at that moment I took myself back to the beginning when we became parents and made the decision to home educate our children which meant me not going back to work and focusing on the family we had brought into the world. I was sad to leave my job behind but the type of job it was would have meant giving more than I would have been able to whilst balancing a family and educating a family well there was just no way it would have worked and I was realistic to that. It brought home to me again that if I was not willing to sacrifice my family for my work why was I doing it with my blog? It was the gentle reminder needed to me that I was blogging for enjoyment, for therapy, it was an achievement for me personally but that did not mean I had to sacrifice myself and my family in the process, this was not going to guarantee me to be a better blogger. I had to find the balance required for my blog to fit alongside my daily life, I am still trying to perfect this but I am getting there.
I have read lots of blogs in the last five months, some I have deeply enjoyed some not that much, it has made me realise how in the minority what I write about is. It is definitely not the commercial material that people seem to flock to read. I have questioned my content and pondered over changing my style of writing or what I write about in order to fit in more, to make it more successful and to turn it into something that I am not to gain popularity. I did not let those thoughts linger for long as when did I ever change who I am to please others, the answer is never, I am me. I am unique, everything I write comes straight from the heart, it is not manufactured to please others. It is a part of me that I am giving to a part of you. The great thing about blogs is they are a platform for all to be heard, there are no rights or wrongs, it is all about personal choice and personal taste. There is a blog out there for everyone, I do not want my life to turn into statistics and popularity. I live my life in the shadows, enjoying and observing not needing affirmation from other ‘virtual’ people that I am enough, the people around me prove that to me with their love and presence in my life. Do not change who you are to please others, I accept that I am different and different is good. I try not to get entangled in the pressures felt upon by most living in the modern age, the intimidation of social media and the struggles to become the picture perfect person who is flawless, it nearly sucked me in this time but luckily I managed to escape it before it was too late. I will continue on my path, my journey and I will share it with others who are looking for something that little bit ‘different’ that little bit ‘deeper’ that little part of me.